Our Programs | Building Resilience in our Children

Building Resilience in Our Children 

"If we want our children to show resiliency in the face of a challenge, we need them to practice it when they’re comfortable."

There’s things we can do to help:

              We need to help our children identify and name their emotions, both the ones that feel good and the ones that don’t. The more emotional literacy a person has (or the ability to “read” their body and mind to understand their emotion, then attach a name to it), the more connected to themselves they’ll be. “The limits of my language means the limits of my world,” said Ludwig Wittgenstein. A person who can accurately assess and describe their feelings can then address the feeling if they’d like it to change (with a negative emotion) or create more of it (for a positive emotion).

              We must allow our children to see us struggle. We must model going through hard things, having difficult conversations, and making mistakes. If your children think you’re perfect, they’re going to feel that they need to be perfect – which is an impossible standard for anyone. We want children to know that it’s normal and inevitable to stumble, fall, and have challenges. What matters is how we handle it, and if we don’t like how we handled it, that we apologize and try to do better.

Children will face challenges, small and big, and sometimes we won’t be there for the big ones, so to make sure they are equipped for success we want children to have the skills and confidence to handle things themselves. They gain these skills and confidences by having ample opportunity to practice them over and over again. Allowing “safe struggle” builds that resilience muscle so that when a challenge happens out in the world, children feel prepared to handle it independently. We don’t want our children to get overly frustrated or ever be physically/emotionally unsafe, but if they’re in the middle of figuring something out, let them! Try not to swoop in and do it for them. They’re building that resilience muscle. For example, your child is trying to tie their shoes and having a hard time pulling the loops through. It is tempting to finish tying it for them, but be patient and watch instead. Often, they will try repeatedly, experimenting with different methods, and -maybe!- succeeding in finishing. But even if they don’t, giving them time to be in the middle of the process of figuring it out is extremely beneficial.

              One of the most protective factors in a child’s life is a supportive relationship with a trusted caregiver. While it’s beneficial to have more than one, amazingly, research has shown that even in the case of trauma, just one close relationship was enough to get the child through the tough time (Bellis, M.A., Hardcastle, K., Ford, K. et al , 2017). So be sure that your child knows that you are a person they can turn to talk about anything. Having open, nonjudgement communication is important to have your child view you as someone they can come to in times of need. Build that connection by having small, simple conversations together every day.

              And finally, take time to celebrate joy! Life can be hard, but it is also beautiful, and often there is something to be grateful for even in the midst of a challenge. And just like resilience, gratitude is a skill that strengthens the more often it’s practiced. When you notice something wonderful, say it. When you feel happy, dwell in it. Model this for your children! Putting positive experiences front and center in your life helps to make the challenges appear as what they really are – passing moments.

              Children truly are incredibly resilient when they’re given the support they need. Let’s offer those supports ahead of time so that they can move through challenge with grace and come out feeling stronger.

Article by Amanda Rouleau, Primary Guide

Sources

Bellis, M.A., Hardcastle, K., Ford, K. et al. Does continuous trusted adult support in childhood impart life-course resilience against adverse childhood experiences - a retrospective study on adult health-harming behaviors and mental well-being. BMC Psychiatry 17, 110 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-017-1260-z

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