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By Leslie Wetmore 

We’ve all been there: it’s time to put away the legos, or magnetiles, or dolls. “Time to clean up!” we say. “No!” they say.

Or we’re getting everyone ready to go out in the snow. “Do you want to put on your coat?” we say. “No!” they say.

There are few things that derail an adult-child interaction faster than a “no,” – especially an unexpected one. While we strive to give the children in our care as much freedom and as many choices as possible, there are times “no” just isn’t acceptable. However, that doesn’t stop it from coming – as any of us can attest. So what do you do with a, “No”?

Some “no’s” are on us. That is to say, sometimes we adults frame directions in a yes/no format – “Do you want to put on your coat?” “Are you going to buckle up?” etc. With fellow adults, it’s understood that when we say things in this way, it’s not a genuine question, but a more ‘polite’ way of giving a command – with the distinct expectation that the answer must (or at least should) be “yes.” Children, who generally have yet to discover subtext or unspoken expectations, hear only that there is a choice – so we can hardly blame them if they sometimes choose “no.” This kind of “no” is a little easier to avoid: if it’s not a choice, do not present it as one. “Please put on your coat” or “Let’s buckle up!” are much clearer for children, and far less likely to be answered in the negative.

However, even if we give a direction in the clearest of ways, children are perfectly capable to responding with the negative. Certainly children have minds of their own, and what they want does not always align with what we want – or what needs to happen. Sometimes, a happy medium can be reached – if you pick out a red shirt and they say “no!” in favor of an equally appropriate blue shirt, there’s no harm in accepting the “no”; the general outcome is the same, and everyone’s happy. However, sometimes one particular thing just needs to happen, whether they like it or not. In those cases, there are a few strategies that make it easier – or at least more likely – to overcome the initial “no.”

Firstly, it is okay to let a child know, “I’m sorry, ‘no’ is not a choice” (this is an especially important distinction to make when there is an issue of safety: there cannot be a choice for buckling up in the car, or holding hands when crossing the street). Sometimes, this matter-of-fact statement can be enough for a child – because there is not a choice, they will follow the direction. For the other times – or for children who fall easily into power struggles – this can be modified so that there are options within the single choice. In this way, what needs to happen still happens, but the child feels that they have enough autonomy to avoid the kneejerk refusal: “Will you hold my right hand or my left hand crossing the street?”; “Are you going to put away the red legos or the green legos first?”

For the child who steadfastly clings to their “no” in spite of these strategies, there are a few more rabbits to pull out of the hat. Surprisingly, one of the most effective things you can do is – nothing. That is to say, you can often wait out a “no.” If you give a child a direction and they refuse, you can let them know that you are going to wait for them to be ready to do it. I do want to state a caveat: waiting out a “no” does not mean you should stand over them as an increasingly impatient source of pressure. You can show them an appropriate place for them to wait (generally close by what they need to do), and simply ensure that they either wait, or follow the direction – i.e., you will not force them to do the action, but they may also not do anything else until it is complete. If they try to walk away or begin a new activity, you can gently bring them back to wait and say, “You can do that after you ___. Are you ready to do it now, or are we still waiting?” It may take a few tries (many children “test” to see if you mean what you say), but most children will finally do what is needed, if only so they can move on to the next activity.

Another way that can jumpstart a child following a direction is to offer a little help. This is especially helpful for “no’s” that come out of frustration or a sense of being overwhelmed. If a task feels insurmountable (whether due to the scale of the ask, or the nearness of bedtime), of course your child will refuse. In these cases, while we do want to help, we want to find the balance of allowing them to do as much as they can: “We need to clean up the floor; I’ll make a pile, and you can sweep it up.” “I’ll put away these ten magnetiles while you put away the rest.” It’s important to remember that while we strive for children to take care of themselves and their environment independently, sometimes a little help can go a long way in helping them be successful.

For a “no” that denies any of the choices that are available, or tries to negotiate into a third choice that is not appropriate, we can reiterate the choices they can make, and provide a gentle ultimatum: “Your choices are to hold my hand to cross the street, or for me to carry you. If you cannot make one of those choices, then I will choose – and my choice will be that I carry you.” In this case, you give the child a moment or two to choose, and then if needed make the choice you described. Again, this is something many children test before learning that you will do what you say, but once they find that this is their last chance to make a choice for themselves, they are much more likely to make one of the available choices.

There’s no getting away from “No!” entirely, but these are just a few ways we can make it smoother going. As always, the key to any strategy with children is consistency and compassion – and remembering that at any given moment, any child is doing the best they can.